The setting is a middle class suburban neighborhood on a cold, clear winter night. A domestic mid size car pulls up in front of a well kept bungalow house. An Oasis tune is easily heard through rolled up car windows. “I live my life in the city, and there’s no easy way out, the day’s moving just too fast for me...” A middle aged man, dressed a bit too young, walks stiffly to the side door fumbling for the right key before letting himself in.
Jim (calling out): All right Anthony, let’s do this thing.
Tony (bustling through the hall): Give me a minute.
Jim (peering cautiously into the main floor bedroom): Are you awake Ma?
Mom: What? Of course I am, I was just listening to a Spencer book on tape. (Stifling a yawn) How is the rest of the family tonight?
Jim: Everybody’s good, Andrea went to visit her dad and Jack is playing XBox with his crew. Max went out with Carly.
Both Mother and elder son look up as a growingly frustrated Tony sticks his head into the bedroom, followed by the sound of his heavy boots moving toward the kitchen. A rattle of keys, cell phones and coins is followed by muted cursing.
Tony: OK, I’m ready to roll. (Leaning over the bed kissing Mom) I love you Mom.
Jim (Rising stiffly): Love you too old lady.
Mom: You two be careful tonight. Do you have your wallets?
Tony: Tonight I have mine, but I think Jim left his on the hood of his car.
Mom: That’s not funny, you boys be careful!
Jim and Tony (in unison): We will Mom.
In the hall, outside the bedroom, Tony slides open the accordion door leading to his upstairs bedroom.
Tony(voice rising): All right Beth, we’re outta here. We’ll let ourselves out. Love ya, hope your teeth feel better.
Beth: mmphmmphoommph
Jim: What the hell was that, what did she say?
Tony(voice lowering): Not sure, her teeth are still bothering her from yesterday’s extraction. That sounded like the Vicodin talking.
Jim (voice low): Holy shit, should we pull the plug on this thing, is Beth OK?
Tony (voice lower): Of course she is, fool, let’s get our drink on.
Jim: Did I show enough concern in my voice, did you buy it?
Tony: No.
Outside now, Jim at the wheel of Tony’s small domestic truck. Jim has turned over the engine and Tony is behind the vehicle checking the functions of all lights and turn indicators. Tony goes around the front of the truck, makes sure the headlights are working and opens the passenger door.
Tony (fumbling through the door storage pockets): What the hell, can you get out of the car and check your side door for my cologne?
Jim (sighing and fumbling): It’s not here, good buddy.
Tony: I hate to do this, but I have to go back in.
Both men realize that this will mean about five additional minutes delay finding said cologne and going through the OCD required to get back out the door. Both men also say nothing. As Tony and Jim make their way back into the house, and Tony heads through the accordion door up the steps, an urban beat is heard in his head. “Bow wow wow Yippy Yo Yippy Ya, Bow Wow Yippy Yo Yippy Ya”.
Tony (in his best Isaac Hayes dialect): Baby, where’s my smell good?
Beth: mmmphmmphooph
Tony: No, don’t get up, I see it. What I’d like to know, is how it got back in the house in the first place. Damn!
Seven minutes and numerous door/lock rechecks later, the two brothers are back in the small domestic truck, the overpowering smell of cologne filling the air. The Underground Garage plays in the background. “All I want is to just be free, live my life the way I want to be, but you’re pushing too hard, pushing too hard on me...” The little truck hits the street and the night begins.
Tonight, the Bug Juice Tour goes old school and brings back a high school English favorite, the compare and contrast composition. Our subjects: The Hootch Bar on Telegraph North of 1-94 in Dearborn Heights and The White Rhino on Oakwood south of 1-94 in Melvindale.
Parking: At The Hootch, parking is no problem with a lot on either side of the building. At White Rhino, it is a giant pain in the ass. If you pull into their lot and it happens to be full, you are up shit creek. You will either have to back out onto Oakwood (I’m sure the Melvindale cops love that), or do that thing where you pull your car up and back a thousand times, turning the wheel like a maniac until sweat beads form at the top of your ass crack. Parking in the seedy neighborhood is also no picnic. Advantage: The Hootch.
Cost: There is no cover charge at either place, nor should there be. No congratulations for what is only right. The cost of a Miller Light and Labatt at both joints is $5.50. A very nice price, but again, no win for either side. Advantage: Draw
Staff/Service: Both bars try and lure us fellows in with promises of skin. The Hootch website shows the staff draped all over their pool tables in various states of undress, so much so that I am certain the tables had to be re-felted afterwards. The White Rhino is a little less obvious, but short shorts and tank tops dominate. It was much easier and quicker to get drinking at The Hootch. At White Rhino, it not only took longer, but the waitress never offered to give us the quarters back with our change. Advantage: The Hootch.
Entertainment: Both dives feature lame DJ work, though I recall feeling more alienated at White Rhino. Neither DJ was able to coax people onto the dance floor. To make matters worse, the dance floor at The Hootch featured a floor to ceiling wall of mirrors, a wall I could not help looking at from time to time, only to see the hollowed out eyes of some old dick looking back at me. The only time either place showed any life came at The Hootch when a particularly tiny waitress took to the dance floor and moved a hula hoop with the slightest of gyrations. Advantage: The Hootch.
Crowd: What crowd? Neither bar is exactly packing them in. Friday night at The Hootch featured about seventeen people, with about thirteen of them down and outers who looked to be spending money earned shoveling snow. The White Rhino was definitely more crowded, more diverse and somehow more obnoxious. Plenty of young ’uns feeling their oats, texting their bros, and preening their pecs. Advantage: You have got to be shitting me!
Conclusion: Tony referred to White Rhino as White Rhi-NOOOO! I could not come up with an equally good tag to describe the lameness of The Hootch. Let’s just say that both places were weighed, measured and found to be lacking. Next week, and a new dive bar, can’t come soon enough.
Cheers!
-Jim
The Hooch: 5157 S. Telegraph Rd. Dearborn Hts., MI 48125
White Rhino: 4328 Oakwood Melvindale, MI 48122
Jim (calling out): All right Anthony, let’s do this thing.
Tony (bustling through the hall): Give me a minute.
Jim (peering cautiously into the main floor bedroom): Are you awake Ma?
Mom: What? Of course I am, I was just listening to a Spencer book on tape. (Stifling a yawn) How is the rest of the family tonight?
Jim: Everybody’s good, Andrea went to visit her dad and Jack is playing XBox with his crew. Max went out with Carly.
Both Mother and elder son look up as a growingly frustrated Tony sticks his head into the bedroom, followed by the sound of his heavy boots moving toward the kitchen. A rattle of keys, cell phones and coins is followed by muted cursing.
Tony: OK, I’m ready to roll. (Leaning over the bed kissing Mom) I love you Mom.
Jim (Rising stiffly): Love you too old lady.
Mom: You two be careful tonight. Do you have your wallets?
Tony: Tonight I have mine, but I think Jim left his on the hood of his car.
Mom: That’s not funny, you boys be careful!
Jim and Tony (in unison): We will Mom.
In the hall, outside the bedroom, Tony slides open the accordion door leading to his upstairs bedroom.
Tony(voice rising): All right Beth, we’re outta here. We’ll let ourselves out. Love ya, hope your teeth feel better.
Beth: mmphmmphoommph
Jim: What the hell was that, what did she say?
Tony(voice lowering): Not sure, her teeth are still bothering her from yesterday’s extraction. That sounded like the Vicodin talking.
Jim (voice low): Holy shit, should we pull the plug on this thing, is Beth OK?
Tony (voice lower): Of course she is, fool, let’s get our drink on.
Jim: Did I show enough concern in my voice, did you buy it?
Tony: No.
Outside now, Jim at the wheel of Tony’s small domestic truck. Jim has turned over the engine and Tony is behind the vehicle checking the functions of all lights and turn indicators. Tony goes around the front of the truck, makes sure the headlights are working and opens the passenger door.
Tony (fumbling through the door storage pockets): What the hell, can you get out of the car and check your side door for my cologne?
Jim (sighing and fumbling): It’s not here, good buddy.
Tony: I hate to do this, but I have to go back in.
Both men realize that this will mean about five additional minutes delay finding said cologne and going through the OCD required to get back out the door. Both men also say nothing. As Tony and Jim make their way back into the house, and Tony heads through the accordion door up the steps, an urban beat is heard in his head. “Bow wow wow Yippy Yo Yippy Ya, Bow Wow Yippy Yo Yippy Ya”.
Tony (in his best Isaac Hayes dialect): Baby, where’s my smell good?
Beth: mmmphmmphooph
Tony: No, don’t get up, I see it. What I’d like to know, is how it got back in the house in the first place. Damn!
Seven minutes and numerous door/lock rechecks later, the two brothers are back in the small domestic truck, the overpowering smell of cologne filling the air. The Underground Garage plays in the background. “All I want is to just be free, live my life the way I want to be, but you’re pushing too hard, pushing too hard on me...” The little truck hits the street and the night begins.
Tonight, the Bug Juice Tour goes old school and brings back a high school English favorite, the compare and contrast composition. Our subjects: The Hootch Bar on Telegraph North of 1-94 in Dearborn Heights and The White Rhino on Oakwood south of 1-94 in Melvindale.
Parking: At The Hootch, parking is no problem with a lot on either side of the building. At White Rhino, it is a giant pain in the ass. If you pull into their lot and it happens to be full, you are up shit creek. You will either have to back out onto Oakwood (I’m sure the Melvindale cops love that), or do that thing where you pull your car up and back a thousand times, turning the wheel like a maniac until sweat beads form at the top of your ass crack. Parking in the seedy neighborhood is also no picnic. Advantage: The Hootch.
Cost: There is no cover charge at either place, nor should there be. No congratulations for what is only right. The cost of a Miller Light and Labatt at both joints is $5.50. A very nice price, but again, no win for either side. Advantage: Draw
Staff/Service: Both bars try and lure us fellows in with promises of skin. The Hootch website shows the staff draped all over their pool tables in various states of undress, so much so that I am certain the tables had to be re-felted afterwards. The White Rhino is a little less obvious, but short shorts and tank tops dominate. It was much easier and quicker to get drinking at The Hootch. At White Rhino, it not only took longer, but the waitress never offered to give us the quarters back with our change. Advantage: The Hootch.
Entertainment: Both dives feature lame DJ work, though I recall feeling more alienated at White Rhino. Neither DJ was able to coax people onto the dance floor. To make matters worse, the dance floor at The Hootch featured a floor to ceiling wall of mirrors, a wall I could not help looking at from time to time, only to see the hollowed out eyes of some old dick looking back at me. The only time either place showed any life came at The Hootch when a particularly tiny waitress took to the dance floor and moved a hula hoop with the slightest of gyrations. Advantage: The Hootch.
Crowd: What crowd? Neither bar is exactly packing them in. Friday night at The Hootch featured about seventeen people, with about thirteen of them down and outers who looked to be spending money earned shoveling snow. The White Rhino was definitely more crowded, more diverse and somehow more obnoxious. Plenty of young ’uns feeling their oats, texting their bros, and preening their pecs. Advantage: You have got to be shitting me!
Conclusion: Tony referred to White Rhino as White Rhi-NOOOO! I could not come up with an equally good tag to describe the lameness of The Hootch. Let’s just say that both places were weighed, measured and found to be lacking. Next week, and a new dive bar, can’t come soon enough.
Cheers!
-Jim
The Hooch: 5157 S. Telegraph Rd. Dearborn Hts., MI 48125
White Rhino: 4328 Oakwood Melvindale, MI 48122
