YOU ARE A DOUCHEBAG IF:
You wear white sunglasses.
You use a bluetooth.
You call a situation or person retarded or gay.
You refer to anyone as “bro”.
The bass in your car rattles windows.
You talk loud in public on a cell phone.
You use a cell phone in any line.
You purse your lips and give the sideways peace sign in any photo.
You don’t keep your dog on a leash (“He doesn’t bite”).
You believe you are, or need to act like a Housewife of fill in the blank.
You are a bully.
You jog on a main street.
You call a cigar a “gar”.
You think money equals class.
You fuck with women or children.
You don’t start or stick with a sports category in Jeopardy.
You cut your grass before 10 am.
You call yourself a diva.
You have no concept on pushing a shopping cart in the store. Move!
You want a President you can share a beer with.
You don’t wear socks with slacks and loafers.
You have a barking dog that you allow to bark and bark and bark...
You wear a Detroit Tigers cap in any color besides the official color.
Unless you are elderly or physically unable, you don’t shovel your sidewalk.
You consider yourself a Gleek or you have downloaded any songs from Glee.
You have your pants hanging down purposely showing us your underwear (I bet you have skidmarks).
You question why Denard is the starting quarterback.
You park sideways, taking up two spots.
You ask for cover in a near empty bar.
You make lists about what constitutes a douchebag.
Cheers! Tony
With all due respect to Southern genius (oxymoron) Jeff Foxworthy:
Fashion Douchebags: If you are a guy wearing skinny jeans and your name isn’t Wolowitz...if you spend more than $50 bucks on a pair of jeans...If you shave your head while still having the option of growing hair...If you are wearing a t-shirt that references your dick, sex, big tits or balls...
Sports Douchebags: If you call a radio talk show and reference the call screener by name or use a nickname for one of the hosts...If you think you know more about the Tigers and their lineup than Jim Leyland, the same Jim Leyland who has been in pro ball since 1963 and lives with his players ten months a year...If you think that no athlete from the current generation compares to your generation...If you swear that you like both Michigan and Michigan State...If you root for Tiger Woods...
Today’s Generation Douchebags: If you think that being a DJ makes you a musician...If you think that each of your thoughts is so interesting that it must be tweeted or posted...If you love your phone...If you order Pabst Blue Ribbon so you can ask for a PBR and be cheap chic...If you buy something because a big assed megalomaniac with a first name that begins with a K endorses it...
Random Douchebags: If you think that it is solely the fault of Republicans, Democrats, Liberals, Conservatives, Rich or Poor...If you like Ted Nugent for any reason at all...if you think that your bumper sticker is hilarious...If you hear a story or anecdote and immediately feel the need to add one of your own that is sadder, cuter, happier, funnier...If the inside of your Christmas card includes more than your name and a short greeting...If you are standing where I like to stand at the pub...
Cheers! Jim
