IN DA CLUB

One unintended by product from the website has been the curiosity of some over what exactly goes on during our Friday night excursions. What is said, what do you do, who do you look at, and can I go with you?

The answers are: lots, nothing, everyone and no.

Let’s start with the nuts and blots of the evening. Tony and I always prefer to stand as opposed to sit, and if we do sit, it is always at the bar and never at a table. Also, we need to be in the middle of the crowd, with the dance floor in plain sight. Many nights, the first hour of the evening is spent griping about location (“We might as well be out in the parking lot”) and speculation over where we should be ( “I think we can shoehorn in next to the two poseurs”) .

Being a gassy pair, the first few beers of the evening mean the discreet(?) passing of gas and indicating to one another that gas has been passed. Cries of “Jumanji” and “Whammy” often accompany a particularly large passing. On occasion, you might look at the other guy and notice glassy eyes or pursing lips and guess that he has gone “Downtown”. Finally, it is always special to treat your partner to a “Burp and Blow”, a covert burp accompanied by the blowing of the stinky burp breath into an unexpected face. Are you still interested in joining us?

After a beer or two has been had, we typically go on to the betting portion of the evening. This always involves Keno and $1 bets with each other that don’t involve the State of Michigan. We each pick a number and guess the game ( 55 and popcorn for example). As the night progresses, we may add first and last number, even or odd, to the mix. This means that $4 may be wagered on each game (74, Space Invaders, even on the first and odd on the last). We even have nicknames for many of the numbers: 1 is the loneliest number, 2 is worth a deuce, 3 is the intimidator, 6 is Larry Aubrey, 8 is dog balls, 19 is the captain, 55 is met with the singing of I can’t drive 55, 63 is Mister Insignificant, to name a few.

Any sport on TV is a source for more betting. Will the cumulative score at the five minute mark be odd or even? Which team will score the last basket of the quarter? How may pitches will it take Fernando Rodney to get through the first batter?

To the best of my recollection, payment on these $1 bets has never been made. That does not mean that constant bitching and whining does not accompany the ups and downs of your luck. It’s all about bragging rights, money means little to two men of means.

Of course, looking at and commenting on our fellow bar patrons is also a huge part of the evening. You might think that this is largely based on the female population, but you would be wrong. As street reporter Brian Fantana noted in Anchorman Ron Burgundy, “Don’t get me wrong, I love the ladies...” Well, we love the ladies also, but we are fascinated by the guys and the interactions between the sexes as well.

What we really enjoy are bar folk who physically resemble a combination of famous people. The keyboard player in Derringer at Diamondback’s is therefore Viv Algar, a melding of Spinal Tap keyboardist Viv Strange and Wayne’s buddy Garth Algar. A greaser seen at an east side haunt becomes Reggie Kovacs, a combination of Archie’s nemesis Reggie Mantle and old time comedian Ernie Kovacs. A pumped up black dude wearing a tight tee and black stretch pants at Boogie Fever is simply Black Lalanne, a politically incorrect morphing of his ethnicity and old fart exercise guru Jack Lalanne. Writing this, it strikes me that it may be time to update some of our look alike references.

Other folks receive simpler monikers. Two tiny headed broads giggling amongst themselves become known as the Pigeon Sisters. The tall guy dancing alone with an old school hat on his head is Dave Chapeau. The weirdly Eastern European dude dancing solo in a sea of cowboy hats at All Around is Christo (how this oddball escaped an ass beating is beyond me).

Importantly, the real enjoyment on any Friday Night is just hanging with Tony. We challenge each other to compile lists ( top 3 Beatles tunes, best live albums, most crushing Michigan football losses). We rarely touch on anything heavy and always keep real emotions down in the pit of the stomach where they belong. Laughing and enjoying each other, that is the real reason for the tour. May it live forever, Amen!