DECEMBER 17, 2010

   I love nicknames.  Not so much getting them ( I don’t really have one, unless douche-bag counts), as giving them.

   My son Jackson has two paper routes that we hoof on Wednesday and Saturday.  We have bestowed nicknames on most of the houses on the beat.  These are usually based on the occupants themselves or a characteristic of the house.  Therefore you have St. Pat, Wet Porch, Sad Dog, Nautical, Officer T, Johnny’s Mom, Porch, Mailbox, Spartan, Ramp, Nice House, Maverick, Seal Dog, Cop, Creep, Marine, Columns and “I Paid Ya”.

   As you might expect, there are many nicknames on the Friday Night Bug Juice route.  As Anthony and I have been enjoying Edison’s in Birmingham a lot lately, the following are the regulars we see most weeks, their nicknames and a short explanation of how the nickname was earned:

1986:  Given to a mature woman whose dress, and more prominently, her hair are stuck in the year 1986.  As an aside, this broad has tried to strike up a conversation with Little Bro and I on two occasions, only to walk away confused and irritated.

Howeena Stern:  Simple, a female version of Howard Stern.

FOH:  An acronym meaning Friend of Howeena, her sidekick.

The Mayor:  An impeccably well groomed middle aged man of Hispanic or Italian decent  (Tony believes he is Greek) who works the crowd like a seasoned politician.  Of course he’s after love, but  will settle for a shake of the hand and some polite conversation.

Bummo:  This tall hipster is what one of the Marx Brothers would look like if he was a beach bum from Malibu.  Tony and I are fascinated with him and have been using his nickname in historical references.  “ A Bummo in every pot.”  “All we have to fear is Bummo itself.”  “Bummo defeats Truman.”

Scotty Too Hottie or STH:   A hipper version of our cousin Scott.  He sports shades inside, sings or plays percussion with the band of the day, and gets along with everyone.  One evening Tony and I struck up a conversation with STH, heard the story of his life and toasted him.  Upon leaving Edison’s and heading to a second bar for a nightcap, I noticed Tony looking out the passenger side window of the truck for quite some time.  I stared straight ahead.  “Hey Jimmy”.  I turned to look at Tony and he was looking back at me wearing the freshly pilfered sunglasses of Scotty Too Hottie.  I almost drove off the road laughing.  As a postscript, I wore the shades for the entire summer before finally losing them. 

Sagalaski:  This blockhead is the spitting image of Steven Sagal with a Polish twist.  My little brother believes that he purposely cultivates this look in hopes that some barfly will have a “Sagal fetish”.  Sounds right to me.

Uncle Bernard:  A fifty-ish nattily dressed black man that resembles the character on boxes of Uncle Ben’s Minute Rice.  If you construe this nickname as racist, blame the Minute Rice people, not us.  As an aside, this is one of the most dogged pick up artists ever seen.  He cannot take no for an answer, and is creepy in his determination.  Not a favorite.

Ted Dick:  A combination of Ted Danson and Andy Dick.  We tried Andy Danson, but Ted Dick just works better.

   There are more nicknames and we add to the list every week.  But this seems like a good place to stop.  I am still hoping to get a nickname, but realize that they are acquired organically, and can’t be forced.  Anyway, this is “Buck” Morrison signing off until next time.

Cheers! Jim