BUMPERS

   The wedding shower for my daughter Rachel had gone beautifully (or so I was told, this having been the first wedding shower I attended).  The canopy didn’t collapse, the sangria didn’t run out and when the neighbor’s dog barked, my brother emptied the water from his straw in the mutt’s face, rendering him mute.  All in all, a great wedding shower held in my own backyard.

    I do, however, have one complaint.  The partygoers failed to observe ninety percent of the cleaning my wife and I did inside and outside of our house.  Would it have killed one of those broads to notice that I vacuumed all the cobwebs from the garage rafters?

   After the eating, drinking and customary cheating at shower games, the party began to wind down, leaving the usual suspects behind.  There was my five man crew, future son in law Matt (that was tough to type), Tony and his wife Beth, and close family friends Kathy, Carly and Luke.

   My two sons, Max and Jackson, got the idea to attach notes to some of the balloon strings and set them free.  Max drew a picture of himself (the exact same image he has been drawing since middle school) and noted the occasion and date before setting his orange balloon free.  Jackson, the internet junkie, asked the finder of his note to contact him on his YouTube page.

   Tony reached out to mankind with the following balloon attached notes:

 *I pissed on this note.

 *You are a dick.

 *I had sex with your wife.

   He wrote a fourth note, “While you are reading this, I broke into your house” but decided against sending that one into the great beyond ( I have been racking my brain trying to figure out why that message didn’t make the cut).

   Making the cut for the Bug Juice Two these last few weeks has been Bumpers Bar and Grill on Newburgh Road in Westland.  Though some online reviews have complained that the place is hard to spot, we had no problem breezing into the large parking lot on the west side of Newburgh just south of Joy.  Look for the large, red neon sign beckoning you inside.

   The clever owners named this brick barn Bumpers because half of the place is taken up by a game room with three pool tables, two of which are actually level.  Other diversions include the ever annoying air hockey and foosball. I would not have been surprised to see folded laundry on these largely ignored games.

   Don’t let the name and the tables fool you.  At its core, this is an old school rock bar.  The non bumpers half of Bumpers is suitably dark, with a long slab formica bar along one wall, a hodgepodge of tables and chairs in the center of the room and a small dance floor in front of a raised band stand at the front.

   My partner in crime and I made our way to the bar, grabbed a spot in front of a flat screen and ordered our usual Miller Light and Labatts, which set us back a very reasonable $5.50.  When you consider that there is no cover and a live band, Bumpers scores high for those on a budget (everyone).

   A quick clink of our bottles, a long pull and a moment to soak in the room.  The crowd looked like they walked out of Grapes Of Wrath, only not so lean.  The common denominator for this bunch was back fat.  Still, Tony and I found the patrons to be friendly and struck up conversations during each visit, some of which even made sense.

   Aside from drinking cheaply and gabbing, other diversions include listening to music ( I saw live bands on three separate occasions and can’t tell you one thing about any of them...shit, they may have been the same band all three times).  People do dance, but not a lot and not to hook up.  Watching the Tigers chase the pennant also grabs a lot of attention.  And, don’t forget the insanely well lit game room.

   It’s only fair to mention that the waitstaff is young, attractive and scantily clad (it’s only fair to mention it because my wife may have found out anyway).  That is not as big a deal as you might think.  Pretty much every bar we walk into has the young and attractive, it’s just that Bumpers amps it up with the scantily clad.

   On our third visit, young Tony and I were pleased that Erica, the barmaid we had seen on the past two occasions, served our drinks without us moving our lips.  It’s good to be a regular.  We always received excellent service, a friendly smile and some amusing bar chit chat.  Tony mentioned that she was also easy on the eyes, though I hadn’t noticed.

   A strange punctuation on our last visit involved Erica.  Closing time was closing in and Tony had just finished handing me my ass in the pool room.  We stopped back at the bar for last call.  We talked up Erica for a bit before she disappeared into a small room off the back of the bar.  She emerged with a long haired twenty something and introduced us to her husband.  I shook his hand before Tony and I disappeared into the night.

   When I reflected on this the following morning, I was troubled.  Did Erica introduce us to her hubby because she thought we were good guys who might enjoy a drink and conversation with her significant other?  Or, did Erica introduce us to her hubby because she thought we were edging into some weird infatuated territory and needed to be put in our place?   

   Please be the former.  We are not stalkers.  We are two happily married guys whose biggest sins are being rakishly handsome and disarmingly witty.  Damn these good looks!  Damn this charm!

   Anyways, if you are low on funds, enjoy old school rock and friendly patrons, definitely check out Bumpers.  And for God’s sake, don’t stalk the bar staff! 

Cheers!  Jim