TIDBITS FROM A TINY MIND

Outta My Mind on a Snowy Morning:

I have had peanut butter toast for breakfast every day for the past four years.  Literally.

I don’t understand why hockey is not more popular with the masses.  It is fast; you can beat the snot out of an opponent, sit for five minutes and be forgiven; sticks are carried and used alternately for scoring and whacking; the games last a tidy two and one half hours and are not ruined by repeated time outs; ties are dramatically ended; the players are largely classy and approachable.  Why don’t more people love this game?

These are the titles of some Frank Zappa songs:  Sofa No.1, Evelyn-A Modified Dog, What’s The Ugliest Part of Your Body, Who Needs The Peace Corps, Weasels Ripped My Flesh, Didja Get Any Onya,  Adventures of Greggary Peccarry, Why Does it Hurt When I Pee, Watermelon in Easter Hay, He Used to Cut The Grass, The Illinois Enema Bandit, Titties and Beer, Penguin in Bondage, Don’t You Ever Wash That Thing, Theme From Burnt Weeny Sandwich.

The best cowbell song of all time is Whisky Train by Procol Harum.

Watching parades and fireworks in person is iffy; watching them on television is horseshit.

I have never sent a text.  I’m proud of that.

My job occasionally takes me to some pretty rough neighborhoods in Detroit.  I always drive away thinking how difficult it is to not be able to drive away.  What if you lived there?  Had to walk home from school amongst trash, crime, loose dogs and indifference?  What message would you get?  

One of my favorite moments in any week is lunch on Saturday.  I am not eating at my desk or on the move.  No Lean Cuisine meatloaf or pizza.  Saturday means a carefully prepared sandwich, diet soda and a fresh Sports Illustrated.  

Why do so many people, especially Republicans fear marijuana?  Do they think that, if people want pot, keeping it illegal will stop them from scoring?  Do they think it is worse for the user than what’s legally bought at party stores on every street corner in the country?  I have seen many drunk and stoned people.  The drunks are way more dangerous and difficult to be around.  Oh yeah, the latest survey on legalizing pot in Michigan shows 57% of Democrats in favor, and only 29% of Republicans.  Like I needed another reason to heap scorn upon the Republican party.

My son was watching a reality show that featured Alaskan State Troopers and it grabbed my interest, though probably not in the manner it was intended.  I was troubled by the way these cops used the smallest reason to pull people over for what they termed “a fishing expedition”.   Rear Bumper hanging a few inches low equals cop looking under your seat for a reason to take you in.  I saw one wilderness trooper confront two guys fishing.  The fishermen had all of their licenses in order, were doing nothing but fishing in a remote wilderness area, but the cop asked to look through their coolers anyway.  He had them open up a small box in the cooler and found some pot, allowing him to write them a ticket.  In case you’re thinking they deserved this trouble, remember that the end does not justify the means.  Not in my world.  Maybe concentrate more on people who actually cause harm and less on two guys smoking a fatty while fishing.  What a waste of taxpayer money.

The next time you are awake Monday through Friday at 6:20 am, think of me.  I’ll be taking a shit.  Being insanely regular is one of the joys in my life.

I am not sure why so many revere Muhammad Ali.  Do a tiny bit of research.  You’ll discover a man who openly cheated on his wife, spoke out against white people and integration, believed that women were second class citizens, used race to his athletic advantage and turned talking shit into an art form.  

I am done with Betty White.

Just so you don’t think I loathe Republicans only, I present Wayne County Executive and Democrat Bob Ficano, the embodiment of all things scuzzy.  His hit list of sleeze includes:  Huge war chest of funds raised largely through strong arming and political kickbacks, more appointees than the Governor, crazy severance packages for the appointees, paying more than half of his appointees over $100,000 annually.  But what grinds me the most is his belief that you and I are either so stupid or so lazy as to not call him out for the $200,000 severance package he was willing to give Turkia Mullin.  He claims he gave her that generous severance package based on what her predecessor received and pulled it when he found out that wasn’t the case.  It had nothing to do with the shitstorm resulting from the severance pay becoming public knowledge.  That’s not even a good lie.   The entire system is broke and needs a giant enema.

By the way, the above nugget is a prime indicator of the importance of newspapers and journalism.  

Bands I have seen advertised as playing in the Detroit area include:  Cold Man Young, Kommie Kilpatrick, Betty Cooper, and my personal favorite Douche and The Bags.

Jack and I were driving down the road and the Ford 250 in front of us featured the following:  Fake bull balls hanging down from the bumper hitch, a sticker on one side of  the window claiming “Horny Hunter” and a sticker on the opposite side with the phrase “Hick Life”.   The Stars and Bars decal must be on order.

When I walk in the door from work, I am like a kid after school.  Ravenous.  Eating all the wrong things.  If only the Three Stooges or Little Rascals were on.

The perfect halftime act for The Super Bowl is Chris Rock.  He can tone it down and still be hilarious.  Beats lip synched choreographed old crap every time.

Black Sabbath and Bad Company are the only two bands I can think of that have an album where the artist, name of the album and track on the album are the same (Black Sabbath by Black Sabbath on the album Black Sabbath- if you get my drift) .Can you think of any others?

I was watching Cool Hand Luke the other day and was initially outraged that Paul Newman did not win the Academy Award for his performance.  Until I looked up that year’s nominees and winner.  In 1967, Newman was nominated along with Warren Beatty for Bonnie and Clyde, Dustin Hoffman for The Graduate and Spencer Tracy for Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner with the statue going to Rod Steiger for In the Heat of the Night.  Heavy hitters, all. 

Before I forget, Michigan Attorney General Bill Schuette can kiss my ass.

Cheers! Jim